Tuesday, June 10, 2008

More Filler

Part 1 in another pointless series of 'How to...' type things.

How to... Check the cork


Sometimes waiters hand you the cork in restaurants after opening a bottle. I used to do this when I worked as a waiter at an overpriced restaurant in Anglesey as a student. The owner worked front of house and was a bullying shite of the highest order. His red faced wife ran the kitchen and wasn't much better. This place, Anglesey's so called 'best kept secret', served overpriced slop to customers who didn't know better (used car salesmen, corrupt local councillors, estate agents and and other such bottom dwellers) and disappointed tourists.

Despite the microwavable menu and kwiksave winelist I was required to wear a bow tie (elasticated), differentiate between glasses for male and female drinkers (a stemmed glass for the lady's half of Carlsberg Export...), wrap drip towels around the wine, service from the right, and present the customer with the cork for their inspection.

Most punters would simply smile, put the cork down, take a sip of whatever Australian pish they'd ordered (Back in the 90s: about £14 on the menu, £2.30 wholesale), nod, and smile to indicate that it was drinkable, if somewhat disappointing... and that was that. On the odd occasion you might get some ignorant berk with a bad moustache who would go as far as to sniff the cork expertly. I once served one chap who got through three corks (including a plastic one) in an evening, much to the confused amusement of his dining companions. By cork number 3 no amount of mascara and pouting could disguise the look of bitter hatred and rage in his wife's eyes.

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So why look at the cork anyway?

To check for heat damage. Wine should ideally be stored at about 13C, but often these temperatures are exceeded and cause 'heat damage' to the wine. One way of checking for heat damage is to look at the side of the cork - if there is a little trail of wine that has soaked up the side of the cork then the chances are the wine has expanded due to extreme heat, and tried to make its way out of the bottle. The wine will have oxidised, at best losing some flavour and color, at worst: tasting like a pub carpet.

Also, check if the cork is dry, brittle, or rotten, check the insignia if you're ordering high end. If you find these problems, and the wine smells or tastes off, then the wine needs to go back.

Smell the wine not the cork, unless you have the nose of a customs dog.

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I remember one customer, who took exception to the "look" I was rocking at the time (sideburns, Eric Morecambe glasses... bowtie...) and set about loudly abusing me all night. His "Cocktail of prawns" came with a good helping of jiffler-phlegm. His "Steak" "bearnaise" was passed to the child-labour waitress for a gobbing before the sauce went on. His stella artois came with a measure from the drip tray, and when I asked the kitchen porter what had gone into the apple crumble and "creme anglaise" he mopped his sweaty teenage forelock aside and told me something genuinely shocking. You really, really, don't want to know.

I left the restaurant after a few weeks. Throwing my dicky-bow at the owner and calling him a 'repulsive toad' in front of two elderly female customers (well, I didn't want to swear in front of old ladies). I couldn't stand the local customers anymore either. I used to spend my shifts willing the passing tourists to keep walking by, not to be taken in by the menu. According to recent reports the place is still an insult to food, crockery, cutlery and flatware, and the owner is still a cock of the highest order.

Incidentally, if you want to know where the good restaurants are in Anglesey, ask a local teacher - they are the ones in the know. Teachers tend to be sociable people, open minded and curious, with just enough in the paypacket to afford a decent night out. They also eat school dinners all week, so they need some inspiration come Friday night.

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